Parents' Code Of Conduct
How to Be a Good Sports
Parent
by Gary Legwold
Better Homes And Gardens, April
1998
In the emotional arena of youth sports, good people sometimes act
wrongly.
But a few guidelines can help parents keep in good cheer.
More than 20 million elementary and middle school students play sports each
year, and sooner or later, most parents find themselves coaching, organizing
potlucks, or becoming lawn-chair-toting cheerleaders.
Some sideline parents revel in the competition, saying its a basic part of
life. Others are wary of competition and find it can be a huge and sometimes
ugly distraction from the whole point of sports: to play.
Whatever the perspective, parents come to youth sports because they care
about supporting their children, appreciating the benefits of physical exercise
and team play. This caring usually helps children enjoy sports and remain
healthy, both emotionally and physically.
However, it is possible to care too much, which can make sports one of the
most negative experiences for a child.
"Most parents are searching for guidance on their roles in youth sports,"
says Rick Wolff, author of Good Sports. The Concerned Parents Guide to
Competitive Sports. By adopting the following positive behaviors and avoiding
some of the common pitfalls, parents can help keep the games enjoyable and
rewarding for their children.
Start with the fundamentals
Most experts say children should start in sports when they show a genuine,
self-motivated interest. This does not mean the first step should involve
organized competition.
"Watch a typical T-ball game," says Dan Klinkhammer, director of the Minnesota
Youth Athletic Services, which organizes 150 leagues, camps, and clinics
involving I 00,000 young athletes. "About one-third want to be there, one-third
are questionable, and one-third are more interested in the airplanes flying
overhead."
Getting started means playing. It means learning fundamentals and skills.
It means pick-up games and playing catch, kicking balls, and shooting hoops
in the backyard. Too often, kids skip lightly over play and skill building
and get right to the game action and all of its trappings. Instead of focusing
on fundamentals, they're more intent on performing.
Sports consultant and retired coach Keith Zembower, of Rowlett, Texas, says
children are starting too young and the result is "organized chaos, kids
just running around without any training in fundamentals." Zembower continues,
"Here in Texas you've got kids 6 or 7 years old playing football. They are
arm tackling and wearing helmets bigger than their bodies."
Zembower held his son out of organized sports until the boy was 10. He tells
parents to get children grounded in skills, fundamentals, and play, rather
than in organized games. He admits children may fall a bit behind when the
time comes for competing, but they'll catch up.
Jim M. Brown, a former physical education teacher and junior high, high school,
and college coach, agrees with Zembower. "Many kids have done everything
by age 12. They've had the traveling, the trophies, the new uniforms, the
cheerleaders, the all-star teams, the whole thing. What's to look forward
to? So, they may end up dropping out and developing an interest in other
things - some of them not good."
One more point to consider on getting started: To prevent burnout, don't
overdo the rewards. J. Morrow, a sports psychologist at Iona College in New
Rochelle, New York, cites an experiment involving two groups of children
who were given crayons and papers. One group was free to do whatever with
the crayons and papers in a set time. Children in the other group got candy
based on how many paintings they made in the set time. After the time was
up, researchers observed both groups. The free-to-draw group went back to
drawing, while the "play-for-pay" did not.
It's OK to miss a game
Youth sports can help create a closeness within the family, but that can
sometimes slip into excessiveness. Supportive parents have been known to
start living through the children, pushing kids to accomplish what the parents
could not. It is what experts call achievement by proxy, which can damage
a parent-child relationship.
To avoid this, Brown, as a teacher and coach, advises parents to back off
some. Don't wear T-shirts saying "I am Johnny's mother." Don't go to every
practice. Skip a game or two. "Part of growing up," says Brown, "is the
separating process. The child should not have a mom or dad looking over the
fence at every move."
This separating process also involves parents realizing that their perspective
may differ from their children's. For example, many parents naturally want
to protect children from being "stung by the arrows of defeat," as sports
author Wolff puts it. Yes, losing can hurt, he says, but not as bad as parents
may think.
"Kids see themselves in a much different light," says Wolff. "A 6-, 8-,
10-year-old sees sports as an opportunity to be with friends, wear a shiny
new uniform, and if the ball comes to them, fine, they try to score.
"Parents may have a more anxious edge. They may think their children have
only so many years to progress, and gee, what's wrong with their development,
and how are they going to make the traveling team next year if they are not
dominating this year? It's tough. You want them to succeed.
"After a loss, kids are down for about three minutes, and then it's: 'Can
I sleep at my friend's tonight?
Avoid projection
As a parent, it is not easy to stay in the present with children. Too often
in sports, parents start projecting that, wow, my daughter could be a great
star some day.
Projection, while a natural thing for parents to do, is a losing proposition.
First, projection implies a dissatisfaction, that what the child is doing
now is not good enough.
Second, projections are often based on subjective and faulty comparisons.
Children may be excelling because they have had a growth spurt while other
athletes have not. Their stardom may be more of a developmental than inability
issue. "Pro scouts have a hard time projecting how athletes will pan out,
and they are looking at 17- and 18-year-olds," says Wolff. "So, how can parents
project what the future holds for their I 1 -year-old?"
Third, projection is nonproductive - even counterproductive - because it
adds pressure on kids who face enough pressure already from their peers,
at school, and from within. "More than 70 percent of children drop out of
youth sports by age 12," says Karen Partlow, national director of the American
Sport Education Program in Champaign, Illinois. "The number one reason is
too much pressure. It is critical that we don't pressure kids so much that
they drop out near puberty. If they do, it's highly likely they will grow
up not having a physical lifestyle. That negatively impacts their health,
not to mention the valuable personal experiences inherent to sports."
Projection also does a disservice not only to the child star but also to
the benchwarmer. Again, who knows how a youngster will turn out? "Explain,"
says Wolff, "how a kid named Jordan gets cut from his tenth grade basketball
team and six years later has become Michael Jordan, the best college player
in the country."
Experts say don't sweat it if children are happy even though they are not
very s]skilled at this young age. "If he or she is maintaining enthusiasm
when it appears to you everything is crumbling, that kid has good coping
skills," says Morrow. "That's the youngster I'd put my money on 20 years
down the line. You have a real champion."
Instead of projecting that their child doesn't have the right stuff for stardom,
parents can help with skills and fundamentals. And they can assure the child
that this is just one step on the way. Perhaps a sports camp would do the
child a world of good. Perhaps private lessons. Perhaps a park and recreation,
school, intramural, or church league would be better at this stage. "There
is always a place for a child to play," says Klinkhammer.
Klinkhammer adds that there may be a blessing in the benchwarming experience.
It may force some parents to admit they are into youth sports for the wrong
reasons. Parents may be pushing their child toward a college athletic scholarship
or some Tiger Woods-type endorsement contract. To them, Klinkhammer offers
a bit of wisdom: "For every $1 available in athletic scholarships, there
are $72 available in academic scholarships. So, if you are in it for a
scholarship, it pays to have your children do homework rather than shooting
free throws."
Approach the coach with a cooperative attitude
Coaches are powerful role models for children, and they sometimes face staggering
responsibilities. Many coaches do a good job, but all coaches make mistakes.
Children naturally turn to their parents when those mistakes upset them,
which means parents will need to approach the coach for a talk. How can you,
as a parent, best handle this often tense situation?
First of all, evaluate the coach early in the season. "I don't care if a
guy knows much about the sport," says Zembower. "I care if he or she is a
good person, if the coach treats people fairly. If not, I wouldn't let my
kid play for that coach."
As the season progresses, issues may come up that require a parent-coach
meeting. Before the meeting, don't undermine the coach by bad-mouthing him
or her. You should approach the coach directly but should not 44 come out
of the stands and confront a coach before, during, or after a game," says
Wolff. "Your child learns that's how you resolve things. Wait a day. Call
and rather than being confrontational, be cooperative."
Going into that meeting, parents should remember that most youth sports coaches
are volunteers, often pressed into duty. "Schools ran sports programs 25
years ago," says Klinkhammer. "Now it's volunteer-parent organizations. They
are not coaches, really-they have very little, if any, training or expertise
in handling groups of children. Teachers are coaches, bricklayers aren't."
Parents should go to the meeting with questions rather than criticisms, asking
about the coach's philosophy, how he or she evaluates children, and what
the child needs to improve. ear the coach's side before passing judgment.
Sometimes, a child's interpretation is inaccurate.
This open communication usually goes a long way in resolving the issue. If
it doesn't, the parent should contact the coach's supervisor. If that gives
no satisfaction, the parent may then pull the child from the team.
The physical price
Parents often question the toll youth sports take on young bodies. Gymnasts
and runners get stress fractures; soccer players hurt their ankles; swimmers,
baseball, and tennis players battle tendentious and bursitis; and all young
jocks experience muscle strains.
These injuries have many causes: ill-fitting shoes, bad coaching, poor nutrition,
lack of sleep, worn or improper equipment, excessively hard playing surfaces,
unpadded floors, poorly maintained fields. pushing children before they are
properly conditioned, orthopedic problems related to normal growth and
development, inequity between strength and size, and decreased flexibility,
particularly during adolescent growth periods.
That's the bad news. The good news is that these injuries are infrequent,
and most are avoidable. "About two-thirds Of sports injuries are preventable
and related to such factors as conditioning, proper supervision, and following
the rules. The other one-third are random events," says Dr. Michael T Busch,
director of the sports medicine center at Scottish Rite Children's Medical
Center in Atlanta.
Busch has concerns about injuries caused by overspecialization-single-sport
athletes are replacing multiple-sport athletes. "You can do 51 weeks a year
of soccer, an endless season,' he says. This results in young athletes doing
the same dries and maneuvers week after week, repeatedly stressing the same
joints and muscles in the same way, leading to overuse injuries.
All that said, Busch is a big fan of youth sports. "Kids learn about
conditioning," he says. "Sports instill in them a lifelong pattern of activity."
They learn about healthy diets, and all that exercise burns calories, which
is important today considering obesity is a national problem.
"Beyond that, they develop adult contacts and see adult role models, which
is good. And dads and moms get to spend quality time with their children,"
he says.
Ultimately, being a good sports parent is a balancing act. You hug your children
in loving support and at the same time you let them go. Too much of one or
the other can cause problems, but if parents have to err to one side, it
would be on the letting go side. Listen first, say less, hug more, but let
the children play their games.
AFTER THE GAME
DON'T…
Immediately ask about winning. Winning should not be most important and therefore
should not be your first concern. The outcome only concerns many younger
kids for about three minutes after a game. "After that, they are more interested
in where the snow cone stand is than with losing or winning," says sports
consultant and retired coach Keith Zembower.
Launch into an instant, detailed post-game analysis. Rick Wolff, coaching
and sports psychology expert, calls it the station wagon syndrome featuring
your child as the back seat prisoner and you, the parent, as the inquisitor.
"Let the child tell you," says Wolff, "versus you telling the child what
you would have done."
DO…
Allow for a cooling-off period. In this time, close your mouth and open your
arms. "Put your arm around them," says Zembower. "Remind them that we are
out here for the fun of it, and there is going to be another day."
Ask questions about performance, such as: "What is the one thing you did
that you would like to do again?" "What is the one thing you did that you
would like to do differently?" "What did you learn today?" "What do you want
to work on most?" Did you have fun?" Questioning helps the child talk about
their feelings without sitting through a lecture.
Occasionally, when you find yourself wanting to ridicule, take a deep breath
and reflect. Remember when you were young and had the same experience. Share
with your child how you dealt with that experience. You and your child may
both feel better.
PARENTS, FIND YOUR SPORT
If you find yourself overly involved and critical of you child's sports play,
here is something to try: Go play your own game.
Get involved in a softball or tennis league, or play pickup hoop games at
your health club. You will get good exercise, burn up some nervous energy,
and quickly remember - or learn - that the game you watch your son or daughter
play is not always as easy as it looks.
"This is especially true when you learn a new sport," say Karen Partlow,
national director of the American Sport Education Program. "I play tennis
and I'm learning squash. I realize how different it is to learn. It humbles
me, keeps me in touch with how hard it is for anyone - a little person in
particular - to pick up a skill."
After you play your games, you will probably be quicker to empathize than
criticize your child's play. Who knows, maybe when you feel blue that a grounder
got through your legs and cost your softball team the championship, it will
be your child who puts an arm around you and says, "That's OK. It happens
to everyone."